History of the Bear Launcher

Noted for their distinct and sophisticated language, art, architecture, and scientific developments, the Maya empire of Mesoamerica is still being researched to this day. New ruins of cities are being found on a regular basis, and the mystery surrounding the Mayans is still growing. Recently, archeologists in Mexico have uncovered previously undiscovered chambers in Uxmal, an ancient Maya ruin. While Uxmal is generally very tourist-oriented, no solid archeological studies have been performed in the area - well, until now, that is.

Inside the Adivino, or "Pyramid of the Magician", which is claimed to have been built by a magical dwarf (Read more here), archeologists have discovered a large chamber under the main hall. Dubbed, "The Chamber of Dwarf Bear Secrets", the chamber is notable because of the intricate manuscripts and wall reliefs all describing the Maya god of ytdters. Most all polytheistic civilizations have some sort of ytdter deity, but it was thought that the Mayans did not. The chamber supposedly held a powerful bear named Nommitzamna. This bear, which was on the smallish-side, could be the magical dwarf in this folk tale, and scientists agree that it is far more likely that Nommitzamna built the pyramid himself, without the help of magical dwarves. In accordance to the Maya calendar, which is freakishly accurate (and states our demise in 2012...), during the fall equinox, Nommitzamna was launched towards the moon with a massive slingshot located atop of the great pyramid Adivino. This ritual kept the Maya calendar even more accurate, for Nommitzamna brought down moon dust with him, which the Maya priests snorted with cocaine and then wrote down dates. According to texts, Nommitzamna kept the harvest strong and mighty throughout the year with ancient sacrificial methods of bloodletting. Nommitzamna would slice his ytdter with the spine of a sting ray, run a string of thorns through the wound, put Kosher salt on the cuts, and then cover himself in the blood, which he then lit on fire. Below is an artist's representation of this event:

Ultimately, Nommitzamna died. The source of his demise is debated within the scientific community, but it can be agreed upon that his death was a result of ytdter poisoning, Epidermodysplasia verruciformis, or pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.

However vague this information is, it lead researchers one step closer to discovering just how the Maya empire simply disappeared. Who knows, maybe an outbreak of Acute Inflammatory Demyelinating Polyradiculoneuropathy killed all the Nommitzamnas of the civilization, causing mass riots and group suicides. Now, that is something to be thinking about this week. Just remember, if suddenly you find yourself in a situation where you realize how freakishly accurate the Maya calendar is (December 21st, 2012, per say), just remember that it is all thanks to Nommitzamna the bear, and, of course, Origins of the Bear Launcher: The Blog's weekly History of the Bear Launcher.

History of the Bear Launcher

Long ago, in the ancient lands of Mesopotamia, the first real form of bear weapons technology was produced by the ingenious Hittite people. While the Sumerians had their superb and unfaltering leader, Nomnom McNommsumonom, their kingdom was not to last.
The Hittites had stolen several bears from the distant lands of Fiji via water slides, and were already training them when the Sumerian city of Bearopolis (sometimes referred to as Uruk) was in its prime. The Hittites took their already existing technology, the chariot, which helped toppled several peasants in various democratic riots, and made it a lethal killing machine, replacing their meager horses with bears. These "Beariots", as they were soon called, ravaged the lands of Sumer, leaving fields upon fields of dead bodies.

There was one downside, however. The Beariots were so powerful that they were near uncontrollable, and many Hittite casualties were inflicted. Because of this, the Hittite counsel of elders devised a plan to replaced all the inferior human chariot driver with bears. The Beariots would then be pulled by large teams of tiger sharks, making the Hittite force unstoppable. To test this new idea, the Hittites sent their three best Beariots to the land south of Mesopotamia, Ytdt (or "Egypt"). They expected for a positive outcome, but what ensued was beyond expectation. The Beariots demolished all of Egypt, turning their lush tropical home into a vast desert (the Sahara), eating all their babies, and pooping on the bases of all the pyramids.

This ancient Egyptian hieroglyphic shows exactly the devastation that these poor people endured. The shape of the bear, the shark, and the chariot (which later evolved into the bobsled) are all apparent, as are the disfigured and mangled forms of the pharaohs below them.

The Hittites continued their rule for many a century, but they were doomed from the beginning. The Beariots were simply a much too powerful force for the time, and constant rebellion, deceit, and theft was common. Also, more importantly, the Hittites were driven to their death through a more recent, powerful weapon - the Bear Launcher.
This concludes today's History of the Bear Launcher.