The Modern Bear Launcher

Every three months, the best of the bears are pitted against one another in a bloody competition to see who will become a part of the most honored bear squad of all time... the Secret Secret Service. Bears in the Secret Secret Service protect the world's most prominent social leaders, such as Nomnom Nomonom, Nomom Nom, and Nomon Mononom. They always carry pocket launchers, just in case they need to launch themselves 87,000 nautical miles on short notice. In fact, one brave bear, named Nom, used his expertise in mini-launchers and his Secret Secret Service training to stop the Russian Black Bear Revolution. Nom saw several Russian cubs break-dancing in the street and easily foresaw the trouble they would attempt to cause. In a preemptive strike, he was able to cut the bear population of Russia in half with only seventeen mini-launchers. Thank you Nom, without you, there would be too many bears in northern Eurasia.

The Modern Bear Launcher

     Here in the U.S.A. we have the comfort of being able to sleep soundly at night knowing that there is only a 64% chance that a bear will be launched into our skulls during the night. The only way that we can maintain this low percentage is by using a not too recent, but very important bear launching system. The Space Bear Defensive Outpost (SBDO) is an orbiting bear launch station run entirely by bears. In the SBDO, bears can monitor known "rogue" bear launchers, ex-girlfriends, and tall people. If any of these suspected threats to the United States show a sign of hostility, the eleven-thousand koala squadrons aboard the SBDO can destroy any threat and return back to the station in four nanoseconds. (Below is a picture of one of the Space Koalas launching from a SBDO Sub-Station)

     The Koala squadron is the optimum choice for bear launching in space, thanks to their boomerang shaped ytdters. This allows precision launching in groups and quick returns after long flights. These unique attributes make the SBDO and the Koala Space Squadrons the Modern Bear launching story of the week.